Currently I’m… #2

Here is my “current” post for the month of July!

Currently I’m…

Loving: working out! I started working out after I quit dancing about a year ago, and it’s become something that I’m really passionate about. People look at me like I’m crazy when I say I lift weights, and I’m usually the only girl in the gym doing bench press and dead lifts, but I absolutely love it. Over the past couple of months I’ve really figured out what works for my body and combined that with lots of healthy food, and my strength and stamina have improved so much!

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Learning: to trust.  I’m learning to be okay with not knowing what tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year will look like. I’m trusting that every day of my life is under the sovereignty of God and that He’s given me all that I need to walk in His perfect will.

Reading: the very last installment of the Harry Potter series. Ugh. So emotional. And you better not spoil the end for me.

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Eating: carbs. All kinds of carbs. I’ve figured out that my body likes carbs and carbs don’t make me fat. So give me pasta. And pancakes. And oatmeal. All the carbs. Nom nom nom. Seriously though, carbs were my biggest fear during my eating disorder for absolutely no reason. If you’re wary of carbs, don’t be. Your body will thank you.

 

Excited about: college! I have approximately 3 weeks until I move into my little dorm room at Berry College, and I couldn’t be more excited. I love my roommate, I love the WinShape program, and I know I’m exactly where God wants me to be. I actually have a countdown on my phone showing how many days are left…

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Needing: a back massage. I desperately need a back massage.

Thinking about: ballet. It’s been a year since I’ve taken a ballet class, and longer than that since I last wore pointe shoes. I really miss dancing and I hope that sooner or later it will become part of my life again.

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Thankful for: how I’m seeing God work in the lives of my friends. One of my very best friends has conquered her eating disorder and come farther than anyone dreamed possible. Another good friend is returning to Jesus after a long period of wandering and her life is being completely transformed. Let me tell you, nothing will bring you to understand the heart of our savior better than seeing Him literally make someone a new creation. It’s a beautiful thing.

That’s it for now! I hope you are all enjoying the last weeks of summer 🙂

Learning to Trust

Recovery taught me a lot of things, but one of the most important things I learned is to trust. I learned the hard way, which is why it took me almost four years to recover, but looking back I see how much easier things would have been if I had been willing to trust. I should have trusted that my nutritionist knew better than I did what my sickly body needed. I should have trusted my parents to feed me instead of trying to make decisions in the midst of overwhelming anxiety. I should have trusted my body’s hunger and fullness signals and believed that I would reach a natural, healthy weight without counting every calorie that entered my mouth.

But to trust meant to give over control, which was something I wasn’t at all willing to do.

I was terrified of what would happen if I listened to my nutritionist, ate what my parents gave me, and let my body get to a healthy weight. I would be fat. I would be a failure. I would be ugly, unloved, worthless. They didn’t know what it felt like, so how could they promise that if I trusted them I would feel better? To give other people control of my eating disorder would be to hand over the one thing I was actually good at. I was so comfortable in the routine that anorexia had laid out for me that to think of living any other way was unbearable.

I fought so hard to continue down a path of self-destruction that somehow felt so satisfying. I chose to ignore the loving voices that told me there was a better way…if only I would trust them.

Eventually, Jesus had His way. He allowed me to see the big picture instead of the tiny sliver that only portrayed the miserable situation I was in. He showed me that there was infinitely more to life than what I could see from my current vantage point, and if I would simply trust Him, I could walk in the fullness of His goodness and grace that is so much sweeter than anything my eating disorder had to offer.

So often our need for control deceives us into believing that we know better than anyone else. But the truth is that we’re too blind and broken to trust ourselves. Instead, we need to hand over control to the One who always sees the big picture and loves us extravagantly, beyond all comprehension. We need to have a bit more confidence in the people that God has placed in positions of influence in our lives, who love us and want the very best for us.

Trust…when your doctor says that you are at a dangerously low weight.

Trust…when your nutritionist says that you aren’t fueling your body properly.

Trust…when your friend confronts you about your drinking habits.

Trust…when your parents say that boy isn’t right for you.

Trust…when the truth of God’s word says that you are worth more than the things people say about you.

Trust is uncomfortable. It requires that you make yourself vulnerable and relinquish control. But trust is the bridge between the mess you are in now and the freedom that awaits you on the other side. Don’t be afraid. Put your life in the hands of the Maker of heaven and earth. He won’t ever break your trust.

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40 Days

In 40 days I’ll be unpacking my bags and settling in to my new home at Berry College!

40 days until I am an official Berry student and I begin the “DCL life” through the WinShape College Program!

I am beyond excited for August 20th to come, but I’m trying to remember that there is still work and preparation to be done physically, mentally, and spiritually before I start this new chapter in my life. I don’t want to be so caught up in the future that I forget about the here and now. I want to learn as much as I can, grow as much as I can, and soak up the time that I have with my family and friends.

I feel like a lot of growth has taken place in the weeks since my last post. I’ve changed up my routine with eating and with life in general. I’ve had some fun new experiences, tried new things, and made new friends. I’ve identified and broken some “food rules” that I didn’t even know I was abiding by. I’ve gained some necessary weight and I’m getting stronger in the gym.

Over all, I think I’m starting to better understand the mind-body-spirit connection, which is what recovery is all about. I’ve realized that the seemingly small lies that I believe in my head infect my spirit and affect me physically.

It’s amazing how much can happen when you become vulnerable and give God room to work.

So there’s a little glimpse into what I’ve been learning over the past few weeks! But it doesn’t stop there. I definitely don’t expect to have it all figured out before I leave for school, and I don’t expect or desire for recovery and healing automatically end on August 20th. But I want to seize every moment that I have and allow the Lord to heal the things that I refused to acknowledge were broken over the past year. I’m no longer going to insist on a period where there should be a comma!

On another note, WinShape’s week-long orientation was a blast. I had so much fun getting to know the other 32 incoming students in the program, who I will be living with and doing life with for the next 4 years!

The stunning Berry campus!
The stunning Berry campus!

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My beautiful roommate!

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So here’s to the next 40 days! May they be full of excitement for what’s ahead and enthusiasm for what’s at hand.