Recovery taught me a lot of things, but one of the most important things I learned is to trust. I learned the hard way, which is why it took me almost four years to recover, but looking back I see how much easier things would have been if I had been willing to trust. I should have trusted that my nutritionist knew better than I did what my sickly body needed. I should have trusted my parents to feed me instead of trying to make decisions in the midst of overwhelming anxiety. I should have trusted my body’s hunger and fullness signals and believed that I would reach a natural, healthy weight without counting every calorie that entered my mouth.
But to trust meant to give over control, which was something I wasn’t at all willing to do.
I was terrified of what would happen if I listened to my nutritionist, ate what my parents gave me, and let my body get to a healthy weight. I would be fat. I would be a failure. I would be ugly, unloved, worthless. They didn’t know what it felt like, so how could they promise that if I trusted them I would feel better? To give other people control of my eating disorder would be to hand over the one thing I was actually good at. I was so comfortable in the routine that anorexia had laid out for me that to think of living any other way was unbearable.
I fought so hard to continue down a path of self-destruction that somehow felt so satisfying. I chose to ignore the loving voices that told me there was a better way…if only I would trust them.
Eventually, Jesus had His way. He allowed me to see the big picture instead of the tiny sliver that only portrayed the miserable situation I was in. He showed me that there was infinitely more to life than what I could see from my current vantage point, and if I would simply trust Him, I could walk in the fullness of His goodness and grace that is so much sweeter than anything my eating disorder had to offer.
So often our need for control deceives us into believing that we know better than anyone else. But the truth is that we’re too blind and broken to trust ourselves. Instead, we need to hand over control to the One who always sees the big picture and loves us extravagantly, beyond all comprehension. We need to have a bit more confidence in the people that God has placed in positions of influence in our lives, who love us and want the very best for us.
Trust…when your doctor says that you are at a dangerously low weight.
Trust…when your nutritionist says that you aren’t fueling your body properly.
Trust…when your friend confronts you about your drinking habits.
Trust…when your parents say that boy isn’t right for you.
Trust…when the truth of God’s word says that you are worth more than the things people say about you.
Trust is uncomfortable. It requires that you make yourself vulnerable and relinquish control. But trust is the bridge between the mess you are in now and the freedom that awaits you on the other side. Don’t be afraid. Put your life in the hands of the Maker of heaven and earth. He won’t ever break your trust.