This blog post is a little overwhelming for me to write.
My last post was approximately three months ago…before I moved into a dorm, started college, started dating someone, started dancing again for the first time in over a year, and started drinking coffee in the afternoons like a real coffee-loving college-student.
The past three months have been wonderful. I have already made so many memories and had so many new experiences. I’ve gone on a few adventures like hiking and swimming at 2am and road-tripping to Florida with about 100 other WinShape students. I’ve also enjoyed the little moments, like spontaneous coffee dates with new friends. Daydreaming in a hammock on lazy Saturday afternoons. Spending time with Jesus on foggy mornings with a blanket wrapped tightly around me and a cup of coffee in hand.
Life is oh so good. But despite all the blessings and moments of bliss, this adjustment hasn’t been ALL sunshine and roses.
Coming to college has been a bit messy at times.
Like yesterday, my oatmeal exploded all over the microwave. At 8am. Before coffee.
I’ve slept through
a few a lot of classes because I didn’t hear my alarm, and my lovely and patient mother wasn’t there to make sure I woke up (pathetic, I know).
I’ve experienced the serious effects of grow-out as a result of not having time or money to spend on getting my hair highlighted.
But seriously, life transitions will teach you more than you ever wanted to know about yourself. Living in close quarters with 50 girls will stretch you. Cramming for exams and meeting deadlines will push you. Managing a brand-new schedule in a brand-new place that balances school, a job, relationships, alone time, time with Jesus, and still trying to get enough sleep at night will challenge you.
And thats why writing this blog post overwhelms me. I have learned so much over the past three months that I don’t quite know where to begin. I have enough floating around in my head to write about twenty different blog posts; yet none of my ideas form complete thoughts. I have a million questions and zero answers. I’ve seen some major areas of weakness that I never noticed before. It’s the stuff that Jesus has quietly but determinedly been encouraging me to break open and lay at His feet…but I’ve avoided it because pretending that the problem doesn’t exist always seems like the easiest way to approach things at the time.
Over the summer I wrote this blog post after I had the realization that I hadn’t allowed the Lord to heal me fully from my eating disorder. I finally saw that pretending the problem didn’t exist just wasn’t working. My mind had the tendency to drift back into old thought patterns and my body certainly wasn’t functioning as it should have.
Good news: the Lord is faithful. Like, really really faithful. And really really patient. And over the summer I was able to peel back the layers of doubt and fear that had been holding me back and let Him wash me clean.
I’m erasing the period, and replacing it with a comma. No matter how difficult and how humbling it may be, I’m asking the Lord to search my heart and take me through a journey of complete healing and restoration.
I’ve never before experienced such complete freedom from my eating disorder, both mentally and physically, and I am so thankful that I can honestly claim full healing and deliverance in this present moment.
So now it’s time to tackle some other areas of my soul that are being choked out by my own fear and insecurity.
I want to learn to love like He loves.
I want to be vulnerable so that my love isn’t so “safe.”
I want to let go of the need to be perfect.
I need to let go of the belief that my worth is tied to my performance and release the paralyzing fear of being inadequate.
But then I find myself making a neat little check-list of “things to work on.” And then I tie my value and worth to how quickly and efficiently I can place a check-mark in each box.
Have I learned to love? Check.
Am I being vulnerable enough with the people that I love? Check.
Have I stopped allowing my performance to determine with worth? Check.
Have I extinguished my fear of inadequacy? Check.
I can’t actually check off anything on that list; but I would like to even though I know it shouldn’t work that way.
My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
-1 Corinthians 12:9-10
Right now I’m walking a tightrope between complacency and constant striving for perfection…although I tend to lean heavily towards the latter.
But even now, Jesus reminds me that tightrope-walking isn’t my purpose. I was created for so much more than trying to become the perfect person. I was created to be made one with the Savior. To be in constant communion with Him and to walk with Him every day of my life. My purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. He reminds me that simply by spending time with Him I am becoming more like Him; being sanctified has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him.
And by that will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all…For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.
-Hebrews 10:10 and 14
It’s time to be sensitive to the things He is teaching me and allow Him to touch the parts of me that I would like to keep hidden. But it’s also time to throw away my “how to be a better person” check-list and just let him do the dirty work. Because He wants to. Because He loves to. Because He loves me enough to die in order that I don’t have to live according to a check-list anymore.
My blog posts are usually very organized, heavily edited, and adhere to one specific topic or issue, so I apologize for the random nature of today’s ramblings. But life is messy and if my blog is going to be an accurate reflection of my life…well…it might be a bit messy at times.
Beautiful, but messy.
Happy Wednesday 🙂